Rules 35, 34, 44, 46

A fucking Jacket, some well fitted, fucking jeans, a nice fucking shirt.....it's not fucking difficult.

Carnaby Street

03/05

35. Have a corner pocket. Simple, no arguments, have one.

34. Your jacket lapels effect your body shape.  The shape of your lapels will exaggerate the shape of your body.  By moving the points, shape and size of the lapels you can enhance, or play down body shapes.  If you’re tall and thin, lower wider points will exaggerate the upside down triangle.  If your short, raising the points and bringing them in will imply height.

44. Big feet need structure. Look for toe caps, brogues and more structured shapes or you’ll look like you have clown feet.

46. Belts will act as a visual break. This will cut you in half. Great if you’re tall and don’t want to look too thin. Fucking useless if you’re short, and are wearing vertical stripes to make you look taller.

Rule 43

43. No Baseball Caps. 

Only Americans and Baseball players should ever wear these. If I see you wearing one, you better be able to recite the words to the seventh inning stretch, or I'll slap you round like a ginger step-child.

Rules 18, 36, 23

I'm still not sure if this whole jack-up trousers thing is for me, but here it really works.  The key here is the socks are the same colour as the jeans, smash a bright red sock on and you'll like a fucking clown.  Nice to see someone rocking an orange shirt, because for pasty people, it's the best colour in January to wear

Lambs Conduit 11/01

The Rules

18. Work with your palette. Unless you’re a black and white minstrel, or you want to look like a French man, you’ll have to start picking out tones in your face to work with: Eye colour, ruddiness of your cheeks, hair colour. The big advantage of building a wardrobe based on your palette is that more and more clothes will fit together, and you’ll get more combinations of clothes.

36. If your buttons are creating an X in the material it’s too tight. Buy a bigger size.

23. Be consistent. Pick one style at a time and stick to it. You will not look a bit zany, if you put trainers on with a tux, you will look like a prick.

Rules 13, 26, 35

Beards don't grow on trees, they grow on fucking legends!  Sweets tats on a grown up rebel.  

Bloomsbury 11/01

The Rules

13. You’re a Differ; if: Your hair is a different colour from your face. You should be wearing contrasting colours; it enhances the colour differences in your face. the contrast will enhance your face.  Fuck subtleties, you’re a man, only women and cats know subtle.

26. Only well fitted clothes look good. Too baggy, you’ll look fat and like you’re trying to hide something, too tight and you’re not going to look buff, just squeezed.

35. Have a corner pocket. Simple, no arguments, have one.

I'm dropping a Rule 50 on this one.

Angel 12/10

The Rules

16. You’re Pasty.  You’re so pale, it looks like you’ve been told Sarah Palin’s your real Mom?  Work with warmer colours, you’ll look more alive.

31. Show some cuff. Half an inch of your shirt should show at the end of your jacket sleeve

42. No Trainers. You are not a fucking B boy, if you are, run along now, there’s nothing here for you to see.

50. Break the rules. You see, once you’ve mastered the rules, it’s time to break them. Only a subservient, winey, bitch would always follow the rules. If you really want to tell the world you’re a fucking man, break the rules, and don’t worry about the consequences.

Rules 1, 19, 18

There's a b in subtle.


Walthamstow
03/09


The Rules

1. Men have booty too. When you turn around to look at yourself in the mirror you should be able to see your arse, not a bag of material.

19. Create a highlight. Move away from just black, blue and grey clothes. I know, sometimes it’s nice to hold onto what you think is safe; safe is nice, you look into your wardrobe and it’s a sea of nice safe blacks, greys and blues. Fuck that you winey little girl. I’m not suggesting you start buying suits that would scare Jonathan Ross circa 2001, but a bright corner pocket, socks or scarf will make you look like you’ve thought about it, and you’ve got the chops to have a go.

18. Work with your palette. Unless you’re a black and white minstrel, or you want to look like a French man, you’ll have to start picking out tones in your face to work with: Eye colour, ruddiness of your cheeks, hair colour. The big advantage of building a wardrobe based on your pallet palette is that more and more clothes will fit together, and you’ll get more combinations of clothes.

Rules 29, 8, 2

Sometimes, always, never; buttoning your buttons from the top, downwards.



Hitchin
28/06

The Rules

29. Just because you have lots of buttons, doesn’t mean you have to do them all up. Find your pivot point by squeezing your thinnest part of your waist (it’s the bit just above your hip bone). Half an inch down is your pivot point. There should be a button here, do it up. Leave the rest open.

8. Break once. If you look at the crease down the front of your trousers, it should kink once, about half way up your shin. Any more it will make your legs look shorter, that or you’ll look like a 13 year old boy trying to be gangsta.

2. Your collar shapes your face. You’re looking for balance here. If you have a face that looks like it’s been hit hit with a spade, try to steer clear of wide cut collars. Likewise, if you’ve got a face like a horse, avoid tall thin collars. The whole point of putting clothes on is to bring the eye up to the face. Strong structured collars make you look important; small soft collars make you look like you shop at Asda.

When I used to live in north America, I would spend my afternoons watching Tele-Casts of sports evens, drinking impossibly fizzy beer, listening to the commentators extol the virtues of ‘plays’,  dissecting the offensive systems and the flaws of the defense.  I’d watch as they shouted mindlessly each other, trying to alpha male each other into submission, the one thing I would alway think, “why the fuck have they got all of their buttons done up on their jackets?”

These 250lbs ex wide receivers, built like brick shit houses, were fighting and loosing with their clothes.  Your jacket should move with you, twist and rotate, not sit on top of you, ridged and forced; by doing up all the buttons, that is all it will ever do.  It is worth curtailing any silly buggers right now about warmth; if your cold, put a fucking overcoat on, don’t button up your jacket.

Anyways, down to the finer points; great warm colours with the shirt and tie which mirror the slight ruddiness of the skin tones.  Love the white trousers, brogues and dark green jacket, any more classic English style than this, you’d turn into a Jag E-type that smelt of gin and bacon sandwiches - and that’s just how i like it.